An Interview
With EvilChef
conducted by paolo vivessence
Q:
What is the fascination with being evil and being a chef? Why the combination?
A: The association of food and evil is as old as the
story of the apple
being used as temptation in Genesis.
Is evil always bad or is it merely different? This is a natural progression,
if it wasn't for the snake suit and my pal Eve, you'd all be
hanging around listening to new age music and drinking herbal tea.
(If you are hanging
around listening to new age music and drinking herbal tea,
you really need the 3V *TRIPLE
VOODOO)
Q: What are some of your favorite foods?
A: Devil's Food Cake, Lobster Fra Diablo, Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Girl
Scout Cookies,
Blackened Redfish, *3V TRIPLE VOODOO Jerk
Seasoned Porkloin.
Q:
Words & Phrases Commonly Found in Alphabet Soup?
A:999nataSnataSnataS, The Walrus is... redrum, REDRUM,
Here's Johnny!
Q:
Do you have any food you really can't stand?
A: Sadly yes. Cucumbers are to me what kryptonite is
to Superman.
Q:
What are some of your proudest accomplishments?
A: The Slurpee Brain Freeze was originally my idea :), pretty cool huh?
I developed a talking ceral but the HolyChef limited the vocabulary to "Snap,
Crackle, & Pop"
(Instaed of, say "Smoke Crackie & Flop)
I also had a batch tha was very insulting but I made up for it by making the
scream loudly as they were being eaten (AAAAHHHHHHIIIIIIIEEEEE, STOP, NOOOOOO)
And on the subject of adding sound to the enjoyment of foods. Belching? Yeah
that was me.
Passing wind? Yeah, that was me too.
While I take credit for the sound, the aroma was an unexpected benefit.
It's a subtle art that has been greatly improved by mankind for ages including
the ever popular SBD and the "R" farts catalogued
by author J.P. Donleavy in his masterpiece "The Unexpurgated Code".
One can only imagine the lethality or any fart preceeded by the letter R including
the "Requiem", and the "Royale Salute".
Q:
Favorite sayings?
A:May your hours in delight - And in ecstacy run - Like bite after bite -
In a beautiful bun
Q: You seem, well, kinda nice. How
bad can you be when your cats named Bubbles?
A: Yes, it's short for Beelzebubbles and he has a message for you.
Q:
You seem to be getting fatter and fatter, too much rich food?
A:
I've always admired the guys on the beach. The big fat ones that walk around
unselfconsciously with
the jew boy Rolex and the speedo bathing suits. Hmmmm? Some grilled lamb chops
for lunch
and a pretty young tart for dessert.
Q: Just how evil are you? Are you completly evil?
A: I am not a completly evil! Some of the parts are on backorder....
Q: Whos's your favorite singer?
A: The King Baby. Elvis A. Presley. Whites like him, Negroes too.
Hell even the Asians and Europeans like him.
And folks, don't forget, Elvis has been appearing nightly
at the Chinese Buffet here at the Velvet Room since 1998.
Q:
What do you think of the declining seafood fisheries?
A: Eat more shark baby!, Yeah baby, come to Jaws.
nothing beats hitting the bar after a hard day's restaurant work-
-except
maybe hitting the bar instead of a hard day's restaurant work
Inappropriate things for a new cook to say to the Executive Chef
1. "Brunoise? Seriously--does it have to be so damn small?"
2. "All this sittin' around not doin' a damn thang? Nigga, my ass be killin' me!"
3. "Do I have cocaine all over my face?"
4. "I'll have those menus for you as soon as my screenplays are done collating…"
5. "I'm better now...thanks to the ol' hair of the dog."
6. "…you know what they say--not enough Indians…"
7. "Verbal warning? Oh, I guess I'm not important enough to get it in writing!"
8. "Some F & B-somethin-or-other called while you were takin' a dump…"
9.
"You might think three hours is a long download, but dude,
this kind of Asian porn is worth the wait!
Redd Foxx
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Give
a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on
fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life...
you should
know i have fun doing this website, and having this life :^)